Feigning a sore back and an adverse reaction to an aspirin, I enlisted the aid of Kay Wymon, animal caregiver here at the Living Materials Center, who seemed up to the task. I told her I would give instructions from a strategic location nearby.

"Be careful!" followed by, "Watch out for that tail!" and then, "He’s goin’ behind the tub!" were pretty much the extent of my instructions.

Kyle came to us from Dallas Animal Control where he was removed from a dog kennel pen in a residential back yard. He is horribly obese and could not handle being in the wild. Kyle is now on the "Dunlap" diet. He gets low fat raw chicken, and reduced fat dead rats. Yummy! He will be released when he indorses Jenny Craig.

The American alligator is becoming more and more common in our waterways and has extended its range to the Red River and into Oklahoma. It grows to an average of fifteen feet long and may weigh hundreds of pounds. It lives up to seventy years. Unlike its cousin the crocodile, the alligator has a pussycat disposition unless really harassed or it is a female guarding eggs or hatchlings.

Now for some truth in journalism, Kyle is just a big, fat, scaly teddy bear. He will pretty much go where you point his nose and poke him in the rear end. Kay moves him frequently. I was never in any real danger.

I continued talking to myself. Grandaddy always said that was all right because it is nice to talk to somebody with some sense for a change. "Should you, or any member of your elite LMC force be mauled or killed, the school superintendent will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds. Pfssst!"