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Lame News for March 29, 2005
Comrade Alex
presents
Top Ten Things that Irritate Comrade Alex
Requested by Uncle Sid / Per Comrade Alex, presented in "irritating
red"
10. The lame web cam.
9. The so-called “24 hour posting guarantee from Comrade Sid”.
8. That dude that lives on the third floor of my apartment building and drops lit cigarettes into the dry grass in front of our apartment. Watch out dude, I know where you live.
7. All three Matrix movies. Neo, you are not the one, and the concept of a self contrived reality isn’t “cutting edge”, Eastern Mystics have been working on this one for about two thousand years.
6. People who go through the express lane with more than 10 items and look back at you like “…oops I must have miscounted.” Here’s a little tip folks, we learned to count to ten in the first grade. Wake up! Assuming you made it past the first grade there is no excuse to blatantly disregard the 10 items or less sign.* Get in another lane, and I might add, all I have is a 6 – pack of beer which I need even more now because of you. Move it or lose it! Your preference.
5. The family of Chinese acrobats that live above us.**
4. Prescription medication commercials on TV. That’s right America, keep popping those pills, they want you fat dumb and completely vapid of all thought. Didn’t anybody else actually read Aldous Huxley?***
3. The fact that Comrade Sid can’t see the beauty in Northfork.
2. The fact that my leisurely commute to work has somehow become a scene from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.
1. How cool Cirque de Soleil is.
0. The fact that American TV keeps ripping off British Comedies. The original shows are hilarious, the rip offs are not even worth the energy it takes to change the channel to watch them. Go rent the original Office. It’s great, or even better on Saturday night you can go ahead and watch the actual British shows on PBS that ABC, CBS and Fox are all about to remake with an “American Spin”.
-1. The fact that American audiences don’t realize American TV is ripping off British Comedies.
-2. For no real discernable reason whatsoever, Funyuns.
-3. The fact that Enrique Iglesias has a career.
-4. The entire state of Florida.
-5. That it’s easier to buy a machine gun in this country than it is to buy a house.
-6. The electoral college.
-7. The fact that people think George W. Bush is “all that and a bag of chips”
-8. The phrase “all that and a bag of chips”.
-9. Whatever planet Jerry Fallwell, Jimmy Swaggert, and Robert Tipton come from.
-10. The Sam’s Club. Why do you need 800 fruit roll ups? That’s not a bargain, that’s insanity.
INTERMISSION
-11. The cancellation of the TV show Wonderfalls – You suck FOX!
-12. Ergonomics. Our chairs weren’t uncomfortable at work until people started pointing it out to us...****
-13. How lame Jerry Schumacher made Batman.
-14. People at the Guitar Center. FYI if you were really Carlos Santana you wouldn’t be at the Guitar Center on Saturday afternoon. It’s not your private concert hall, it’s just a music store.
-15. My left knee. What the hell is wrong with my left knee?
-16. The intersection of Ben White Blvd. and South Congress Avenue.
-17. The imminent smoking ban in Austin area bars. I’m sorry, can we take a step back here. It’s a BAR not Chucky Cheese. People drink and smoke in bars, that’s what they do. If you don’t want to do that, then don’t go to a BAR! Find yourself a coffee shop or a restaurant, they don’t let you smoke in those places and in fact there are more places you can’t smoke than there are that you can. Leave the BARS alone.
-18. Seacrest out!
-19. Camera phones. Oh all right, they’re pretty cool.
-20. Whatever it is that Joan Rivers keeps doing to her face that makes her look like a hobgoblin.
-21. The “mixer.exe error” that pops up on my computer every time I turn it on.
-22. The fact that my clothes dryer suddenly sounds like I stuck Bilbo Baggins in it on permanent press. Is anybody out there a dryer mechanic? Call me!
-23. The guy in the white truck that cuts through the Jack Brown Cleaners parking lot on 2222 & 620 every morning to avoid the light. Were you dropped on the head as a child? Wait your @$%&! Turn!
-24. The lack of patience in this country.
-25. The Patriot Act.
-26. The Patriot Act II – While you were sleeping we took away your civil liberties.
-27. The conservative right – can’t you just leave people alone and let them live their own lives? We don’t all have to think the way you do.
-28. The NRA. By the way Charlton, no one actually believes that a 50 caliber machine gun is a hunting weapon. We just let you think you’ve won that argument.
-29. The fact that the Really Rottens never stood a chance at winning the Laff-A-Lympics. That thing was friggin’ rigged.
-30. The lack of Guiness in the work place.
Phew. I think that’s it.
* I'll give you clemency if you can prove you dropped out of school after kindergarten and never returned. Please email me your official records to comradealex@sidandlisa.net
** If you haven’t noticed by now, I hate where I live.
*** This does not include the @$#%& Cliff notes people!
**** Oddly enough, the people pointing this out to us were the same people who were selling us the “ergonomic” chairs.
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