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Lame News for February 16, 2005
Comrade Alex
presents
Top Ten Events That Will Ultimately Lead to Comrade Alex’s Demise
– Requested by Comrade Sid
10. Excerpt from The Mad Scientists Journal – November 2076 – Obituaries Section
“Noted Mad Scientist and Arch-Nemesis Alexander 'Comrade Alex' Carlton passed away on Saturday the 30th. Carlton, who was recently honored by the A.M.S.E. (Association of Mad Scientists of Earth) for his experiments in the field of mind control and thought warping, was found face down in his underground lunar lab late Saturday afternoon. Sources close to Comrade Alex’s Moon compound say that he was nearly complete with his seminal work, a
'Communist brain wave adjuster' that would unify the inhabitants of the Earth into believing wholly in a communist political theory. No information was provided on the exact cause of death, however one representative of the Carlton Compound was heard to state ‘We’re still not sure how the laissez fair economic theory got into the lab, but we’re dedicated to finding out’. Carlton was 101."
9. Slowly trampled to death by a crowd of ultra-depressed Radiohead concert goers.
8. Threw himself in front of a fork lift truck @ Acoustic Systems when he suddenly realized he still worked there.
7. Accidentally slingshot himself into Alternate Universe Omega 323 in an attempt to achieve the ultimate buzz by mixing Irish Whisky and dark matter.
6. Devoured by the flesh eating bunnies of Alternate Universe Omega 323* shortly after arriving there.
5. Lost in a sandstorm while trying to single handedly infiltrate the Mujahidin.
4. Shot to death while trying to break into Sid and Lisa’s house. The note he left to Comradette Stacey mentioned briefly that he “…had to do something about that damn lame web cam…” Said Comrade Sid later, “I’d do it again. No hippie communist steals our crappy web camera and gets away with it!”
3. Foolishly challenged the great great great grandson of Aaron Burr Jr, to a duel before he realized that A) He had never actually been in a duel before and didn’t quite understand the rules; and that B) The great great great grandson of Aaron Burr Jr, had something to prove.
2. Fatal kitchen accident involving a Ginsu knife, a talking spatula, a neurotic refrigerator magnet and a rather difficult can of tomatillo sauce. And thus, the world’s greatest Queso recipe was lost forever.
1. Driven to insanity by an obsession to generate the largest compendium of top ten lists ever amassed.
*Scientific Note: The flesh eating bunnies of Alternate Universe Omega 323 are surprisingly agile when it comes to disarticulating their prey. They are also known to hunt in packs and are simultaneously capable of eating and reproducing at the same time, spawning new aggressors at an alarming rate. This is both disturbing and a little fascinating at the same time. On a side note, these bits of information are handy to have prior to encountering the flesh eating bunnies of Alternate Universe Omega 323, as your first response is to say “Aw cute, bunnies.”
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